| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
TITLE (Younger Sister post(2))
Replace these every slider sentences with your featured post descriptions.Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these with your own descriptions.This theme is Bloggerized by Lasantha - Premiumbloggertemplates.com.
(YOUNGER SISTER POST Title(3) )
Replace these every slider sentences with your featured post descriptions.Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these with your own descriptions.This theme is Bloggerized by Lasantha - Premiumbloggertemplates.com.
Apr 25, 2019
ICO 2019
5:00 PM
Apr 23, 2019
Estudio de viabilidad (para empresas)
8:48 AM
|
Apr 20, 2019
IMPORTANT! You have been recoŗded ʍasturbatıng! I have Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister.mp4!
3:33 AM
IMPORTANT: moethwaynge.whiteyoungestsister@blogger.com
Hi there...
The last time you visited a Ƿorn website with teenagers,
you downloaded and installed the vίruş I developed.
My program has turned on your cam and recorded the act
of your ʍasturbatıon..
My software also downloaded all your email contact lίsts
and a list of your friends on Facebook.
I have the - Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister.mp4 - with you jerkίng
off to teens, as well as a file with all your contacts
on my computer.
You are very Ƿerverted!
If you want me to delete both files and keep the secret,
you must send me the Bitcoin payment.
I give you 72 hours only to send the funds.
If you don't know how to pay with Bitcoin,
visit Google and search - how to buy bitcoin.
Send 2,000 USD (0.387018 BTC)
to this Bitcoin address as soon as possible:
3LgLF36t9VsVsszn3XitPWM1Gp3i1QHSPF
(copy and paste)
1 BTC = 5,230 USD right now, so send exactly 0.387018 BTC
to the address above.
Do not try to cheat me!
As soon as you open this Email I will know you opened it.
I am tracking all actions on your device..
This Bitcoin address is linked to you only,
so I will know when you send the correct amount.
When you pay in full, I will remove both files and deactivate
my program.
If you choose to not send the bitcoin...
I will send your ʍasturbatıon vίdeo to
ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES from your
contact lists that I hɑcked.
Here are the payment details again:
Send 2,000 USD (0.387018 BTC)
to this Bitcoin address:
***********************************************
3LgLF36t9VsVsszn3XitPWM1Gp3i1QHSPF
(copy and paste)
***********************************************
You саn visit police but nobody can help you.
I know what I am doing.
I don't live in your country and I know how
to stay anonymous.
Don't try to deceive me - I will know it
immediately - my spy software is recoŗding all the
websites you visit and all your key presses.
If you do - I will send this ugly vίd to everyone you know,
INCLUDING YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS.
Don't cheat me! Don't forget the shame and if you ignore
this message your life will be ruined.
I am waiting for your Bitcoin payment.
You have 72 hours left.
Anonymous Hɑcker
P.S. If you need more time to buy and send BTC,
open your notepad and write '48h more'.
This way you can contact me.
I will consider giving you another 48 hours
before I release the vίd, but only when I see that
you are really struggling to buy bitcoin.
I KNOW you can afford it - so don't play with me...
Hi there...
The last time you visited a Ƿorn website with teenagers,
you downloaded and installed the vίruş I developed.
My program has turned on your cam and recorded the act
of your ʍasturbatıon..
My software also downloaded all your email contact lίsts
and a list of your friends on Facebook.
I have the - Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister.mp4 - with you jerkίng
off to teens, as well as a file with all your contacts
on my computer.
You are very Ƿerverted!
If you want me to delete both files and keep the secret,
you must send me the Bitcoin payment.
I give you 72 hours only to send the funds.
If you don't know how to pay with Bitcoin,
visit Google and search - how to buy bitcoin.
Send 2,000 USD (0.387018 BTC)
to this Bitcoin address as soon as possible:
3LgLF36t9VsVsszn3XitPWM1Gp3i1QHSPF
(copy and paste)
1 BTC = 5,230 USD right now, so send exactly 0.387018 BTC
to the address above.
Do not try to cheat me!
As soon as you open this Email I will know you opened it.
I am tracking all actions on your device..
This Bitcoin address is linked to you only,
so I will know when you send the correct amount.
When you pay in full, I will remove both files and deactivate
my program.
If you choose to not send the bitcoin...
I will send your ʍasturbatıon vίdeo to
ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES from your
contact lists that I hɑcked.
Here are the payment details again:
Send 2,000 USD (0.387018 BTC)
to this Bitcoin address:
***********************************************
3LgLF36t9VsVsszn3XitPWM1Gp3i1QHSPF
(copy and paste)
***********************************************
You саn visit police but nobody can help you.
I know what I am doing.
I don't live in your country and I know how
to stay anonymous.
Don't try to deceive me - I will know it
immediately - my spy software is recoŗding all the
websites you visit and all your key presses.
If you do - I will send this ugly vίd to everyone you know,
INCLUDING YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS.
Don't cheat me! Don't forget the shame and if you ignore
this message your life will be ruined.
I am waiting for your Bitcoin payment.
You have 72 hours left.
Anonymous Hɑcker
P.S. If you need more time to buy and send BTC,
open your notepad and write '48h more'.
This way you can contact me.
I will consider giving you another 48 hours
before I release the vίd, but only when I see that
you are really struggling to buy bitcoin.
I KNOW you can afford it - so don't play with me...
Apr 16, 2019
Líneas europeas: financiación con fondos FEI.
8:50 AM
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||
Apr 12, 2019
Thίs is my final wa=?UTF-8?Q?rning=20?=moethwaynge.whiteyoun=?UTF-8?Q?gestsister?==?UTF-8?Q?@b?=logger.com!
1:59 AM
FINAL WARNING moethwaynge.whiteyoungestsister@blogger.com!
You have the final chance to save your social life - I am not kidding!!
I give you the last 72 hours to make the Ƿayment before I send
the vίdeo with your ʍasturbation to all your friends and associates.
The last time you visited a erotίc website with young teens,
you downloaded and automatically installed the Şpy software
that I created.
My program has turned on your cɑmera and recorded the act
of your ʍasturbation and the vίdeo you were watching
while ʍasturbating.
My software also downloaded email contact list and a list
of your Facebook friends from your device.
I have both the - Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister.mp4 - with your
ʍasturbation and a file with all your contacts on my hard drive.
You are very Ƿerverted!
If you want me to delete both files and keep your secret,
you must send me the Bitcoin Ƿayment.
I give you last 72 hour to transfer the funds..
If you don't know how to Ƿay with Bitcoin,
visit Google and search - how to buy bitcoin.
Send 2,000 USD (0.406247 BTC)
to this Bitcoin address immediately:
36MKf5q59N9ennbAwEsgx6X9rT9fx5vpSz
(copy and paste)
1 BTC = 5,030 USD right now, so send exactly 0.406247 BTC
to the address above.
Do not try to cheat me!
As soon as you open this Email I will know you opened it.
This Bitcoin address is linked to you only, so I will know if you
sent the correct amount.
When you Ƿay in full, I will remove both files and deactivate
my software.
If you don't send the Ƿayment, I will send your ʍasturbation vίdeo
to all your friend and associates from your contact list
that I downloaded.
Here are the Ƿayment details again:
Send 0.406247 BTC to this Bitcoin address:
----------------------------------------
36MKf5q59N9ennbAwEsgx6X9rT9fx5vpSz
(copy and paste)
----------------------------------------
You саn visit the polίce but nobody will help you.
I know what I am doing.
I don't live in your country and I know how to stay anonymous.
Don't try to deceive me - I will know immediately - my Şpysoft is recording
all the websites you visit and all keys you press.
If you do - I will send this ugly recording to everyone you know,
including your family!
Don't cheat me! Don't forget the shame and if you ignore this message
your life will be ruined.
I am waiting for your Bitcoin Ƿayment.
Anonymous Hɑcker
P.S. If you need more time to buy and send BTC,
open your noteǷad and write - 48H++ - and save.
This way you can contact me.
I will consider giving you another 48 hours before I send the vίdeo
to your contacts, but only when I see you are
really trying to buy bitcoin.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
We are Anonymous. We are legion.
We do not forgive. We do not forget.
Expect us.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You have the final chance to save your social life - I am not kidding!!
I give you the last 72 hours to make the Ƿayment before I send
the vίdeo with your ʍasturbation to all your friends and associates.
The last time you visited a erotίc website with young teens,
you downloaded and automatically installed the Şpy software
that I created.
My program has turned on your cɑmera and recorded the act
of your ʍasturbation and the vίdeo you were watching
while ʍasturbating.
My software also downloaded email contact list and a list
of your Facebook friends from your device.
I have both the - Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister.mp4 - with your
ʍasturbation and a file with all your contacts on my hard drive.
You are very Ƿerverted!
If you want me to delete both files and keep your secret,
you must send me the Bitcoin Ƿayment.
I give you last 72 hour to transfer the funds..
If you don't know how to Ƿay with Bitcoin,
visit Google and search - how to buy bitcoin.
Send 2,000 USD (0.406247 BTC)
to this Bitcoin address immediately:
36MKf5q59N9ennbAwEsgx6X9rT9fx5vpSz
(copy and paste)
1 BTC = 5,030 USD right now, so send exactly 0.406247 BTC
to the address above.
Do not try to cheat me!
As soon as you open this Email I will know you opened it.
This Bitcoin address is linked to you only, so I will know if you
sent the correct amount.
When you Ƿay in full, I will remove both files and deactivate
my software.
If you don't send the Ƿayment, I will send your ʍasturbation vίdeo
to all your friend and associates from your contact list
that I downloaded.
Here are the Ƿayment details again:
Send 0.406247 BTC to this Bitcoin address:
----------------------------------------
36MKf5q59N9ennbAwEsgx6X9rT9fx5vpSz
(copy and paste)
----------------------------------------
You саn visit the polίce but nobody will help you.
I know what I am doing.
I don't live in your country and I know how to stay anonymous.
Don't try to deceive me - I will know immediately - my Şpysoft is recording
all the websites you visit and all keys you press.
If you do - I will send this ugly recording to everyone you know,
including your family!
Don't cheat me! Don't forget the shame and if you ignore this message
your life will be ruined.
I am waiting for your Bitcoin Ƿayment.
Anonymous Hɑcker
P.S. If you need more time to buy and send BTC,
open your noteǷad and write - 48H++ - and save.
This way you can contact me.
I will consider giving you another 48 hours before I send the vίdeo
to your contacts, but only when I see you are
really trying to buy bitcoin.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
We are Anonymous. We are legion.
We do not forgive. We do not forget.
Expect us.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Apr 11, 2019
Financiación sin Cirbe
8:49 AM
|
Apr 9, 2019
ICO: fondos públicos, entidades privadas
10:23 AM
|
Apr 8, 2019
IMPORTANT! You have been recorded ʍasturbating! I have Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister.mp4!
1:50 PM
ATTN: moethwaynge.whiteyoungestsister@blogger.com
Hi there,
The last time you visited a Ƿorn website with teenagers,
you downloaded and installed the vίruş I developed.
My program has turned on your cam and recorded the act
of your ʍasturbation..
My software also downloaded all your email contact lίsts
and a list of your friends on Facebook.
I have the - Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister.mp4 - with you jerkίng
off to teens, as well as a file with all your contacts
on my computer.
You are very Ƿerverted!
If you want me to delete both files and keep the secret,
you must send me the Bitcoin payment.
I give you 72 hours only to transfer the funds.
If you don't know how to pay with Bitcoin,
visit Google and search - how to buy bitcoin.
Send 2,000 USD (0.397956 BTC)
to this Bitcoin address as soon as possible:
34D89bGjLtn82n5ayeePRNTnSwHi4q6Nmk
(copy and paste)
1 BTC = 5,130 USD right now, so send exactly 0.397956 BTC
to the address above.
Do not try to cheat me!
As soon as you open this Email I will know you opened it.
I am tracking all actions on your device..
This Bitcoin address is linked to you only,
so I will know when you send the correct amount.
When you pay in full, I will remove both files and deactivate
my program.
If you choose to not send the transfer...
I will send your ʍasturbation vίdeo to
ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES from your
contact lists that I hacked.
Here are the payment details again:
Send 2,000 USD (0.397956 BTC)
to this Bitcoin address:
***********************************************
34D89bGjLtn82n5ayeePRNTnSwHi4q6Nmk
(copy and paste)
***********************************************
You саn visit police but nobody can help you.
I know what I am doing.
I don't live in your country and I know how
to stay anonymous.
Don't try to deceive me - I will know it
immediately - my spy software is recording all the
websites you visit and all your key presses.
If you do - I will send this ugly vίd to everyone you know,
INCLUDING YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS.
Don't cheat me! Don't forget the shame and if you ignore
this message your life will be ruined.
I am waiting for your Bitcoin payment.
You have 72 hours left.
Anonymous Hacker
P.S. If you need more time to buy and send BTC,
open your notepad and write '48h more'.
This way you can contact me.
I will consider giving you another 48 hours
before I release the vίd, but only when I see that
you are really struggling to buy bitcoin.
I KNOW you can afford it - so don't play around...
Hi there,
The last time you visited a Ƿorn website with teenagers,
you downloaded and installed the vίruş I developed.
My program has turned on your cam and recorded the act
of your ʍasturbation..
My software also downloaded all your email contact lίsts
and a list of your friends on Facebook.
I have the - Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister.mp4 - with you jerkίng
off to teens, as well as a file with all your contacts
on my computer.
You are very Ƿerverted!
If you want me to delete both files and keep the secret,
you must send me the Bitcoin payment.
I give you 72 hours only to transfer the funds.
If you don't know how to pay with Bitcoin,
visit Google and search - how to buy bitcoin.
Send 2,000 USD (0.397956 BTC)
to this Bitcoin address as soon as possible:
34D89bGjLtn82n5ayeePRNTnSwHi4q6Nmk
(copy and paste)
1 BTC = 5,130 USD right now, so send exactly 0.397956 BTC
to the address above.
Do not try to cheat me!
As soon as you open this Email I will know you opened it.
I am tracking all actions on your device..
This Bitcoin address is linked to you only,
so I will know when you send the correct amount.
When you pay in full, I will remove both files and deactivate
my program.
If you choose to not send the transfer...
I will send your ʍasturbation vίdeo to
ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES from your
contact lists that I hacked.
Here are the payment details again:
Send 2,000 USD (0.397956 BTC)
to this Bitcoin address:
***********************************************
34D89bGjLtn82n5ayeePRNTnSwHi4q6Nmk
(copy and paste)
***********************************************
You саn visit police but nobody can help you.
I know what I am doing.
I don't live in your country and I know how
to stay anonymous.
Don't try to deceive me - I will know it
immediately - my spy software is recording all the
websites you visit and all your key presses.
If you do - I will send this ugly vίd to everyone you know,
INCLUDING YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS.
Don't cheat me! Don't forget the shame and if you ignore
this message your life will be ruined.
I am waiting for your Bitcoin payment.
You have 72 hours left.
Anonymous Hacker
P.S. If you need more time to buy and send BTC,
open your notepad and write '48h more'.
This way you can contact me.
I will consider giving you another 48 hours
before I release the vίd, but only when I see that
you are really struggling to buy bitcoin.
I KNOW you can afford it - so don't play around...
Subvenciones a fondo perdido para empresas
8:50 AM
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||
Apr 4, 2019
❗ ATTENTION! You are screwed now Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister...
5:39 PM
Do I have your attention?
You are really screwed now and you better read this... !
Your device was recently infected with a software I developed,
and now you have a problem you need to solve,
because it has gone too far..
You probably noticed your device is acting strangely lately.
That's because you downloaded a nasty software I created
while you were browsing the Ƿornographic website...
The software automatically:
1) Started your Ƈamera and begun recoding you,
uploading the footage to my server...
2) Recording your device screen
3) Copied all your contact lists from mail program, facebook
and your device chain
4) Started logging what you write
The problem is that it has cought you while you have been
ʍasturbating.. and I didn't plan to see that.. but I did.
I now have the Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister.mp4 file with you
ʍasturbating to this hardcore stuff... ugly!! :(( 🤮
Let me get straight to the point.
If you do not do what I ask you now, I will upload this
ugly video file with you ... and the stuff you were watching
to several video upload sites and I will send the links
to all your friends, family members and associates.
I am sure they will not like what they will see and I am
also sure you don't want me to do that, right ?
So do you want me to uninstall the nasty software from
your device and stop recording you?
Do you want me to forget about this whole issue??
I think 2,000 USD is a fair price for my silence. I know you
can handle to send me this money - and it is enough for
me to get lost. So how do you send the cash?? Bitcoin.
I checked right now and 1 Bitcoin is worth 4,960 bucks.
So...
Send exactly 0.401976 BTC to my Bitcoin wallet.
This is my Bitcoin wallet address:
392Y7tsCc81NJHNqiSyc4U7mMH9KNxQCNj
If you do not know how to send cash using bitcoin,
type 'how to buy bitcoin' in google. There's plenty
of guides.
Ok.. so what if you decide not to pay ?
Well if you want to test my patience - go on.
I will destroy your social life, you can count on that.
You think that visiting Police is a good idea ? Nope.
I don't live in your country and I know how to stay
Anonymous. I will send the compromising video to
everyone you know!
Just send me the 2,000 USD and we forget about
the whole thing. I have family to feed too.
***********************************************
Send 2,000 USD worth of bitcoin to this address:
0.401976 BTC
to this address:
392Y7tsCc81NJHNqiSyc4U7mMH9KNxQCNj
(copy and paste it - it's cAsE sensitive)
***********************************************
After you send the money to my wallet (exact
amount!) - I will see it and I will remove the video
and deactivate the rec software.
I give you 5 days only to send the transfer..
The time starts ticking after you open this letter
(I included a pixel in this message and I will
know when you read it).
Don't try to contact me - I am using an untracable
email to deliver this message to you.
I am waiting for your cash.
And don't forget the shame if you ignore me.
Clara
You are really screwed now and you better read this... !
Your device was recently infected with a software I developed,
and now you have a problem you need to solve,
because it has gone too far..
You probably noticed your device is acting strangely lately.
That's because you downloaded a nasty software I created
while you were browsing the Ƿornographic website...
The software automatically:
1) Started your Ƈamera and begun recoding you,
uploading the footage to my server...
2) Recording your device screen
3) Copied all your contact lists from mail program, facebook
and your device chain
4) Started logging what you write
The problem is that it has cought you while you have been
ʍasturbating.. and I didn't plan to see that.. but I did.
I now have the Moethwaynge Whiteyoungestsister.mp4 file with you
ʍasturbating to this hardcore stuff... ugly!! :(( 🤮
Let me get straight to the point.
If you do not do what I ask you now, I will upload this
ugly video file with you ... and the stuff you were watching
to several video upload sites and I will send the links
to all your friends, family members and associates.
I am sure they will not like what they will see and I am
also sure you don't want me to do that, right ?
So do you want me to uninstall the nasty software from
your device and stop recording you?
Do you want me to forget about this whole issue??
I think 2,000 USD is a fair price for my silence. I know you
can handle to send me this money - and it is enough for
me to get lost. So how do you send the cash?? Bitcoin.
I checked right now and 1 Bitcoin is worth 4,960 bucks.
So...
Send exactly 0.401976 BTC to my Bitcoin wallet.
This is my Bitcoin wallet address:
392Y7tsCc81NJHNqiSyc4U7mMH9KNxQCNj
If you do not know how to send cash using bitcoin,
type 'how to buy bitcoin' in google. There's plenty
of guides.
Ok.. so what if you decide not to pay ?
Well if you want to test my patience - go on.
I will destroy your social life, you can count on that.
You think that visiting Police is a good idea ? Nope.
I don't live in your country and I know how to stay
Anonymous. I will send the compromising video to
everyone you know!
Just send me the 2,000 USD and we forget about
the whole thing. I have family to feed too.
***********************************************
Send 2,000 USD worth of bitcoin to this address:
0.401976 BTC
to this address:
392Y7tsCc81NJHNqiSyc4U7mMH9KNxQCNj
(copy and paste it - it's cAsE sensitive)
***********************************************
After you send the money to my wallet (exact
amount!) - I will see it and I will remove the video
and deactivate the rec software.
I give you 5 days only to send the transfer..
The time starts ticking after you open this letter
(I included a pixel in this message and I will
know when you read it).
Don't try to contact me - I am using an untracable
email to deliver this message to you.
I am waiting for your cash.
And don't forget the shame if you ignore me.
Clara
Convertir deuda a corto en deuda a largo
8:50 AM
|
Apr 3, 2019
Memories Of You
4:22 AM
I have to warn all who dare enter that this post is going to be emotionally charged.
I actually wrote it a year ago. My wife went to the hospital for pregnancy complications and was told she'd be leaving with a baby - a few weeks earlier than expected. I only had a few days to process this information, which for reasons that will be explained within was complicated. I couldn't sleep and I was up all night writing and sorting through my feelings. This blog post is one of the results. I didn't post it because it felt unfinished, unrefined. I didn't mind putting my emotions out there for all to consume, but I did want to edit the writing before posting. I just wasn't brave enough to re-read it after it had been written.
My new son turned one yesterday (May 4, 2016) and I felt it was time to revisit this and put it online.
- TOP
"キミの記憶" or "Memories of You" is one of the most important songs in my life. My Japanese is pretty bad, because I let it fall far into disrepair over the years, but for some reason this song spoke to me even before I transcribed the significance of every word and stroke of every character into my mind. I was listening to the soundtrack of Persona 3 one night and this song came on. It's peppy and upbeat. It's pretty and I've always enjoyed it since playing Persona 3 long ago. This particular night it was the English words that caught my attention because they play off a few lines from the game said by one of the characters. In particular, "I will never leave you" stuck out as one of the most meaningful moments in the game. It was then that I realized what the song was actually about and from that moment I had to know every word. As I began to unravel the meaning of the song, listening, reading the lyrics and translating them, I unraveled emotionally as well.
Since that night, I always turn to this song when I need to actually, truly feel my feelings. Even on antidepressants, the song manages to burn through the haze of emotional indifference to rip the true feelings from my heart and slap me in the face with them. I even wrote a poem that night several years ago about teardrops filling up the concave inside of my glasses - it wasn't a great poem so I won't share it, but I really liked the imagery of my tears falling onto my lenses. It was the first big release of tears since my son died. Several months had gone by and I had done my very best to lock it all away and bury it with mood altering drugs. I put on my brave face to "get on with life" and left a huge emptiness lingering inside. But that random, fateful night, this song dove into my heart and dredged up all that pain.
The very strange thing about this song among countless songs of love and loss in any number of other languages is that it's about a female android mourning a human whom she had grown to love over the course of the game. The nature of her love is fairly ambiguous - whether platonic or romantic - but it really doesn't matter. It's strange that this song and that relationship is what the developers chose to focus on when there were many, many other relationships in the game that could have been emphasized. It is a game about relationships, in fact. The reason the android is so meaningful is because she begins her chapter of the story without even realizing she's capable of human feelings. Over the course of the game, she comes to understand friendship and develop true, meaningful relationships with the people whom she had been alienated from her entire existence. She expresses her new-found feelings and then suddenly and unexpectedly (SPOILER) the character to whom she is enamored dies. This song is very much about how she processes this grief - something I try really hard to avoid, I think.
I think about Aigis a lot. I relate to this fictional android in several ways which emphasize why this song is so powerful in unsealing what I have buried deep inside. It explains why I can put this song on whenever I need some relief from the emotional pressure building up. As a robot, Aigis's lifespan is fairly indefinite. For her, this encounter with the characters of the game is probably only going to be a mere instant of her existence, but definitely the most meaningful time of her life. She forges a friendship that would teach her what it meant to actually be alive, and to be human. Then, that friendship abruptly disappears in an instant and Aigis makes the choice to live on and carry those memories of him forever (hence the name "Memories of You"). She could shut off her emotions and go back to being just a robot, or shut down completely and withdraw from living in a technical sense, but she makes the choice to go forward because of what her friend taught her about being alive. This choice to carry the memories forward is pretty similar to how I feel about my son, Rhys, who only existed for 6 weeks but changed my life forever. It was like a drop of water in the ocean of life experiences - six weeks out of 35 years seems so inconsequential. He never said a single word. We only made eye contact a few times. This tiny thing that existed in the blink of an eye had the power to change things forever.
I used to think I was a lucky person. It's silly really. I was walking around this planet thinking that I was someone who never really had bad things happen to him. The older I got the more bad things actually started happening, but I just clung to this mentality that I wasn't the type of guy that had truly bad things happen. I had friends who would witness me go through some pretty awful situations and wonder how I held my resolve, how I remained so calm and cool and collected about everything. When Rhys died, that perception of myself as a lucky person completely shattered. It was a few years ago, now, and for the most part the pain is just a dull ache instead of crippling stabs into my chest cavity - but the pain still exists. It's still in there in full, terrible form. There is such a tremendous amount of pain waiting to be unleashed by something as simple as a song about a robot and her dying friend - and it can hurt like the day it happened if I let it grow. It feels like I am now marked by this pain, that my soul is torn so deep that it defines me. In one terrible night, I transformed from that casual, friendly person who could bounce back from anything in stride. I was dismantled and crushed and replaced by a person who now knows he isn't lucky. He knows terrible things have happened and can happen again at any moment.
This weekend a new baby is going to be born. I've spent nine months hiding from it, pretending it's not real, trying not to look at ultrasound pictures or feel the kicks. I needed to pretend it wasn't happening, because I can't handle it. I have to handle it and I will handle it, but my emotions, my anxieties, my endurance is not ready for this challenge. I'm terrified. If anything bad happens again, I don't know how I will survive. This is true of my other two surviving children, as well, but they're already here. The risk of losing them in some sudden accident is already real and prevalent. I've been coping with that for years. I won't even get started about what I go through when leaving them with other people, or sending them on field trips. But it's not nearly the same as having another newborn - another precious, fragile, tiny life living in my house. Another defenseless human being that my wife and I are charged with taking care of.
That's not all and this is why I need Aigis tonight. I'm not ready to let go of Rhys. My rational brain realizes that I don't have to "let him go" and that he'll "always be here." I know that I'll never forget him, but I'm so tremendously scared that I will. I think I always have been. We didn't have enough time together. I can't remember the way he sounded. I can't remember the way he smelled. I remember how he made me feel - I mean, how happy I was to be around him and how wonderful it felt to hold him close, but that's the best I can muster. I don't want him to disappear forever. I don't want him to be buried so deep in my heart that I never let him out. I don't want to replace him with a new baby. I know he won't be. I get it. I tell myself a million times in the last two years, but it doesn't matter what my brain says will be true compared to how I actually feel. I fear the evanescence of my son every passing day. Sometimes it's so real and brutal and painful that I feel like he just died yesterday, but most times I feel like he was just a pleasant dream I had once and the longer I'm awake the less I'll be able to recall it.
Aigis chooses to live. She could shut down. She could go to sleep or simply reboot. She could erase her memories and her feelings, but because of what she learned and how she developed she comes to understand the value of life and living. She chooses to keep going and hold on to the memory. I chose this as well, but my memories degrade faster than a computer. I carry his memory with me as one of the very, very few people who even knew him in his brief existence. That burden is oppressive sometimes and what if I fail? What if some day I can't find the way he made me feel? What if I can't remember how he looked or how soft his skin was? Who will remember him if I don't? What if my new son terrifies me? What if I'm too afraid he'll die so I don't allow myself to get too attached? I know all this is stupid, because I've always fallen deeply in love with my children the instant we met face-to-face, but that scares me almost as much. How defenseless will I be if something bad happens again?
I'm so scared.
- TOP
(originally written May 2, 2015)
I actually wrote it a year ago. My wife went to the hospital for pregnancy complications and was told she'd be leaving with a baby - a few weeks earlier than expected. I only had a few days to process this information, which for reasons that will be explained within was complicated. I couldn't sleep and I was up all night writing and sorting through my feelings. This blog post is one of the results. I didn't post it because it felt unfinished, unrefined. I didn't mind putting my emotions out there for all to consume, but I did want to edit the writing before posting. I just wasn't brave enough to re-read it after it had been written.
My new son turned one yesterday (May 4, 2016) and I felt it was time to revisit this and put it online.
- TOP
"キミの記憶" or "Memories of You" is one of the most important songs in my life. My Japanese is pretty bad, because I let it fall far into disrepair over the years, but for some reason this song spoke to me even before I transcribed the significance of every word and stroke of every character into my mind. I was listening to the soundtrack of Persona 3 one night and this song came on. It's peppy and upbeat. It's pretty and I've always enjoyed it since playing Persona 3 long ago. This particular night it was the English words that caught my attention because they play off a few lines from the game said by one of the characters. In particular, "I will never leave you" stuck out as one of the most meaningful moments in the game. It was then that I realized what the song was actually about and from that moment I had to know every word. As I began to unravel the meaning of the song, listening, reading the lyrics and translating them, I unraveled emotionally as well.
Since that night, I always turn to this song when I need to actually, truly feel my feelings. Even on antidepressants, the song manages to burn through the haze of emotional indifference to rip the true feelings from my heart and slap me in the face with them. I even wrote a poem that night several years ago about teardrops filling up the concave inside of my glasses - it wasn't a great poem so I won't share it, but I really liked the imagery of my tears falling onto my lenses. It was the first big release of tears since my son died. Several months had gone by and I had done my very best to lock it all away and bury it with mood altering drugs. I put on my brave face to "get on with life" and left a huge emptiness lingering inside. But that random, fateful night, this song dove into my heart and dredged up all that pain.
The very strange thing about this song among countless songs of love and loss in any number of other languages is that it's about a female android mourning a human whom she had grown to love over the course of the game. The nature of her love is fairly ambiguous - whether platonic or romantic - but it really doesn't matter. It's strange that this song and that relationship is what the developers chose to focus on when there were many, many other relationships in the game that could have been emphasized. It is a game about relationships, in fact. The reason the android is so meaningful is because she begins her chapter of the story without even realizing she's capable of human feelings. Over the course of the game, she comes to understand friendship and develop true, meaningful relationships with the people whom she had been alienated from her entire existence. She expresses her new-found feelings and then suddenly and unexpectedly (SPOILER) the character to whom she is enamored dies. This song is very much about how she processes this grief - something I try really hard to avoid, I think.I think about Aigis a lot. I relate to this fictional android in several ways which emphasize why this song is so powerful in unsealing what I have buried deep inside. It explains why I can put this song on whenever I need some relief from the emotional pressure building up. As a robot, Aigis's lifespan is fairly indefinite. For her, this encounter with the characters of the game is probably only going to be a mere instant of her existence, but definitely the most meaningful time of her life. She forges a friendship that would teach her what it meant to actually be alive, and to be human. Then, that friendship abruptly disappears in an instant and Aigis makes the choice to live on and carry those memories of him forever (hence the name "Memories of You"). She could shut off her emotions and go back to being just a robot, or shut down completely and withdraw from living in a technical sense, but she makes the choice to go forward because of what her friend taught her about being alive. This choice to carry the memories forward is pretty similar to how I feel about my son, Rhys, who only existed for 6 weeks but changed my life forever. It was like a drop of water in the ocean of life experiences - six weeks out of 35 years seems so inconsequential. He never said a single word. We only made eye contact a few times. This tiny thing that existed in the blink of an eye had the power to change things forever.
I used to think I was a lucky person. It's silly really. I was walking around this planet thinking that I was someone who never really had bad things happen to him. The older I got the more bad things actually started happening, but I just clung to this mentality that I wasn't the type of guy that had truly bad things happen. I had friends who would witness me go through some pretty awful situations and wonder how I held my resolve, how I remained so calm and cool and collected about everything. When Rhys died, that perception of myself as a lucky person completely shattered. It was a few years ago, now, and for the most part the pain is just a dull ache instead of crippling stabs into my chest cavity - but the pain still exists. It's still in there in full, terrible form. There is such a tremendous amount of pain waiting to be unleashed by something as simple as a song about a robot and her dying friend - and it can hurt like the day it happened if I let it grow. It feels like I am now marked by this pain, that my soul is torn so deep that it defines me. In one terrible night, I transformed from that casual, friendly person who could bounce back from anything in stride. I was dismantled and crushed and replaced by a person who now knows he isn't lucky. He knows terrible things have happened and can happen again at any moment.
This weekend a new baby is going to be born. I've spent nine months hiding from it, pretending it's not real, trying not to look at ultrasound pictures or feel the kicks. I needed to pretend it wasn't happening, because I can't handle it. I have to handle it and I will handle it, but my emotions, my anxieties, my endurance is not ready for this challenge. I'm terrified. If anything bad happens again, I don't know how I will survive. This is true of my other two surviving children, as well, but they're already here. The risk of losing them in some sudden accident is already real and prevalent. I've been coping with that for years. I won't even get started about what I go through when leaving them with other people, or sending them on field trips. But it's not nearly the same as having another newborn - another precious, fragile, tiny life living in my house. Another defenseless human being that my wife and I are charged with taking care of.
That's not all and this is why I need Aigis tonight. I'm not ready to let go of Rhys. My rational brain realizes that I don't have to "let him go" and that he'll "always be here." I know that I'll never forget him, but I'm so tremendously scared that I will. I think I always have been. We didn't have enough time together. I can't remember the way he sounded. I can't remember the way he smelled. I remember how he made me feel - I mean, how happy I was to be around him and how wonderful it felt to hold him close, but that's the best I can muster. I don't want him to disappear forever. I don't want him to be buried so deep in my heart that I never let him out. I don't want to replace him with a new baby. I know he won't be. I get it. I tell myself a million times in the last two years, but it doesn't matter what my brain says will be true compared to how I actually feel. I fear the evanescence of my son every passing day. Sometimes it's so real and brutal and painful that I feel like he just died yesterday, but most times I feel like he was just a pleasant dream I had once and the longer I'm awake the less I'll be able to recall it.
Aigis chooses to live. She could shut down. She could go to sleep or simply reboot. She could erase her memories and her feelings, but because of what she learned and how she developed she comes to understand the value of life and living. She chooses to keep going and hold on to the memory. I chose this as well, but my memories degrade faster than a computer. I carry his memory with me as one of the very, very few people who even knew him in his brief existence. That burden is oppressive sometimes and what if I fail? What if some day I can't find the way he made me feel? What if I can't remember how he looked or how soft his skin was? Who will remember him if I don't? What if my new son terrifies me? What if I'm too afraid he'll die so I don't allow myself to get too attached? I know all this is stupid, because I've always fallen deeply in love with my children the instant we met face-to-face, but that scares me almost as much. How defenseless will I be if something bad happens again?I'm so scared.
- TOP
(originally written May 2, 2015)
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| Rhys (Aug 17, 2012 - Sept 27, 2012) |
